7 Year Anniversary

7 often has good connotations. I guess in this case 7 represent many many hurdles jumped and much learned. I can count on less than one hand how many people I have talked to about this and it took me at least 2 years before I started opening up to very few people about this searching for answers. Writing this post is a huge step, it not only doubles the number of people I've talked to several times over but it also exposes what has embarrassed me, scared me and confused me and what I have kept to myself for many years. My hope is that, although most people won't have the same trials I have had, someone will be able to find strength and hope to get through whatever they may be struggling with in my story. Although my story is not finished it is a story of many struggles and many successes. 7 years ago around this time, just a couple months before my 20th birthday, my whole world was turned upside down. Prior to this I was a friendly, happy, young single adult, just finished my first year of university. I was able to make friends quite easily and form deep bonds with others. People often complimented me on how I always smiled and had a beautiful smile, that I was very sincere and sweet. I remember one day walking into the living area of the house where I was living with 6 other roommates. There was company over and everyone was socializing. All of a sudden a terrible panic came over me. Not your average fear but as if I were backed into a corner with a wild animal about to pounce. I felt like I was having a heart attack, each beat of my heart was searingly painful and all the muscles in my body felt like they were squeezing the life out of my like a giant cobra. I could barely breath. But the confusing thing was 'I' was not scared, why would I be, it made no sense, why was my body acting this way? But ever since that, that was my life anytime I was around people. It was no respecter persons, close friends, family, it made no difference. I was confused, desperate, scared and alone. I felt trapped inside my own body because it had no connection whatsoever to what I was thinking or how 'I' felt about a situation, it was not 'me' but I had no control over it. With it, all normal outwardly shown reactions or facial expression were gone and replaced with only one "I am stressed out". Every conversation or encounter was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. I tried so hard to control my body and make it react the way I was really feeling and it just came across forced and awkward. The muscles in my face would ache to the point of cramping up. I longed so much to be able to just smile at someone freely. I was determined to kick this thing in the pants and so I went on living just as I would have. I was in several institute classes, went to all the activities, dances, volunteered to teach Sunday school when all the teachers were away and I served a mission. I had faith that if I did everything I could that God would make up the difference. But I did not improve, every minute of everyday was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. On my mission I had a humbling experience that taught me a great lesson about how faith and God work. One afternoon I was walking around a park contacting and was suffering all the usual symptoms and feeling very broken down and depressed. I wanted so bad for it to disappear. I contacted these two girls and shared with them the message of the restoration of the Gospel. They then told me "you are glowing, you have a light shining all around you". Inside, I felt stressed out of my mind like I was going crazy but they saw something different. I was there to be a servant of God in his greatest work of bringing souls to him, just as I was. He made up the difference in his own wisdom. I still had not learned what I was suppose to learn through this trial. I confided in one of my mission companions about my struggles and she told me that she had known a guy, that a similar thing happened to, who had confided in her. Right after he graduated from high school all of a sudden his body started putting on a show of anger, out of context in social situations. Even though he did not feel angry all the bodily symptoms of anger came. It scared people away and alienated him. He felt very distraught and desperate. This is the first time I had ever even heard of a similar story existing. And then the summer I worked at temple city housing my trainer in drywalling told me that at some age between 30 and 40 (I can't remember) something happened to him. His family noticed that the once humorous, make everyone laugh guy was very withdrawn and took him to a physiatrist. He showed an interest in spiritual things so I gave him a book of Mormon and started sharing the Gospel with him and invited him to church. He gave up smoking and drinking and had a strong desire to come to church, he said he really longed for the community that church provides that helps you to stay on the right path and inspires you to keep looking towards Christ. He came from a strong christian background, his father was a minister, but was easily swayed by peer pressure. But even though he was on medication which took away the symptoms he was still deathly afraid to put himself in situations where his body had terrorized him. He avoided crowds at all costs. He then decided to be a non-denominational christian. He is very spiritual and his heart is in the right place, he taught me some great lessons on coming unto Christ that really inspired me. I hope that one day he can overcome his fears and have the community of the church that he longs for and will help him stay on the path.
For me what finally has worked, I have never been on medication, was lessening the exposure and stress in social situations. The opposite of what I was trying to do for all those years. I am not saying that people should give up and go hide in their house. If I had done that I would have never met my husband or had a child which have been key to my recovery.
Once my husband and I got our own place down in Rexburg I started to notice that it was beginning to break it up where once in a while I would have moments of normalcy again. And they got more and more frequent. Mike is very friendly and loves to socialize with people and so he got me out socializing while at the same time relieving some of the stress because he lead the conversation and the focus was mostly on him. It gave me a chance to start healing my subconscious as it saw that I could socialize without being totally stressed out. But when I had to go to work alone and my jobs were very social, I would do fine for a while and then an episode would occur and I was no longer able to control it in that environment. Ever since I had Jada I have made improvements in leaps and bounds. The symptoms are gone. I think being home with Jada most of the time has given me a rest so that I can heal my subconscious. Since it is not reminded all the time it has forgotten that social situations are life threatening and replaced it with more of a normal response. After 7 years my conscious is not the same as it was, it has some scares, even though the symptoms are gone I still remember and make myself nervous. I can deal with that though, that is miles above where I was. Digging my conscious mind out of a hole is much easier than my subconscious. I can more easily control my conscious mind with common sense and logical thinking and it more easily forgets. Imprints are not near as deep. I have high hopes that in a few years when it is no more than a distant memory, almost as if it isn't even my own that all traces will be gone. I have many people to thank for helping me win this battle, all those that have loved me unconditionally and have not treated me different and especially my husband for all of his support. I can not thank you enough. And to God for the things that I was able to learn through this trial and not letting me give up. It has taught me how to be more accepting of others flaws and weaknesses, and has taught me that people are never are as simple as we make them out to be. The assumptions that we make about people are almost always wrong and very misunderstanding. I have learned to assume the best or not assume at all and it has lead to a greater understanding of others and also how to love people and accept them despite what they may have done or are doing to hurt me. We are all in the same boat together.
Remember that I have only been doing really good for maybe 6 months, and really hard times are not far away and still scare me alot that they will return. I am not ready to talk about this in person, writing is easier for me and even a form of thearpy. I am writing this so that people can know and understand and help by not treating me different.